First Poem/Post in half a year

The day I learned that no man, woman or thing could ever love me more that me, a window of bliss came in like rain during a dry season. You see, somewhere on the road to my knowledge of true beauty I was told to hate myself, but at the same time make myself presentable so that someday someone could fill the void and love me. I was taught to make myself as pretty as possible so that some day maybe I might belong, because that’s all a young girl truly wants, right? I was 10 the first time I was embarrassed about myself because I had become the only girl in my grade to hit puberty. Being made fun of by all of the boys calling me names and pointing out the paw marking on my face. Sitting at home with tear stains on my face trying to make myself look pretty or my hair straight, a never ending cycle of hatred towards myself. But then again, we all end up like this at one point or another. Stuck in a corner of our minds in which the walls are decorated with signs reading worthless and ugly. Add ‘society’ to the mix and that corner becomes a restaurant and our waiter is magazines and television serving us nothing but false hope and our own flaws. And then when we finally have the courage to get up from the seats we are strapped down to, we are met at the door with words like conceited, full of herself, big ego. Since when is it a sin to love yourself? With people and signs telling us we are not allowed to disregard the illusion that we are worthless, we must remember that no matter what we do we will never be good enough. We listen to these lies until the point of painful numbness. But we must remember, we are not entertainment tools, whores, fags set aside until needed or wanted. We have to remember that we are all we have. Our souls inside that slowly die every time we fall for the tricks of false beauty. Feed your insides with love and compassion because no matter what you do you will get old. To some their bodies will betray them, but our spirits that roam around inside us, whether they be free or locked away in the corner of your mind, will never die. Although you must love yourself, physical flaws and all, do not forget about that sparkle in your eyes every time you do the things you love. The way you smile every time you feel beautiful or the way you laugh till there are not tears of sorrow but joy running down your rounded cheeks. Remember that your love for life is a compass guiding you to your dreams and you do not need Proactive, straight hair, hairless arms or size 2 jeans to find it. And if you start to stray away from these FACTS you better take a seat and remember that you are worth so much more than your waist line. You are worth the beautiful lyrics of thoughts that run through your head every day. Even though we are taught from birth to remember that girls must be skinny and pretty or curvy and exotic and boys must meet the muscular physique and pompous attitude, you must remember to not give a damn. Because I do not care your sex, race or religion, NO human will ever meet anyone’s standards but our own. Forget all the hype and remember that you’re a freaking treasure whether you like it or not.

Learning to Read and Write and Add

  When I was younger, I would look at words and they’d start moving. Sometimes they’d be upside down or sometimes they’d be backwards. I could never understand how people could figure it out so easily. 

   In 2nd grade I had two teachers, Mr. Souls and Ms. Eriksen. They both loved reading to us. To this day, I still remember my anticipation for the end of the day because Mr. Souls would read us a book. But as that year ended and everyone starting putting words together, I was sitting there having a hard time figuring out how the word “pencil” made sense. Every time I looked at it, I saw “Pansil” or some of the letters would be upside down.

   Towards the winter, around Christmas of that year, I was sitting on the ground in my aunts house with my family playing the game Catch Phrase. You basically see a word, then describe it to everyone without using the word and they have to try and guess. Back then I thought I was big enough and smart enough to play, so they added me in. When it came my turn, I got the word ‘pencil’. I couldn’t read it! In front of my entire family I had to ask my uncle for help and when he saw the word he looked at me and said “How can you not read that? Lina (my little cousin) can read that.” I was mortified. I wanted to ball up and cry all because of a word I couldn’t read. From that day on, I was determined to be the best reader in my entire family. And I’m basically there, but it was hard getting to this point.

    Every year from the 3rd grade till 6th grade I had to get extra help from my teachers with reading and writing. I had to stay after school and they would read through a book with me and help me memorize how certain words were spelled. Every year I got better and better and every where I went I read everything I could possibly read. I’d go to a restaurant with my family and sit and read the menu. In 4th grade we had a family reunion in Colorado and I tried my hardest to stay awake the entire car ride there just so I could all of the signs and places we passed. I got really good. Better than my older sister. But then in 5th grade, something more difficult came along, and it;s name is Math.

  Before then, math was a piece of cake! I could count and add and take away numbers, though it always took me longer than the other kids. But when my 5th grade teacher came along and wanted to do fractions and how to add them, I started to fall behind. I didn’t understand how you could flip a fraction when dividing it and the answer would come out accurate. And when we started the flipping and switching and long division, the numbers started to move and flip and switch. I would get head aches just looking at math sheets. Luckily for me, my sister and brother were smart. Really really smart. Though I hated asking for help because it made me feel dumb, whenever I did ask, they would help without hesitation. Not only them, but my friends as well helped out a lot as well. I had my friend Clara help me with fractions while Lillie helped me with long division. It was a pattern I had grown accustomed to that year.

  By the time 6th grade came and we had an understanding and patient teacher, I was getting the hang of things. My reading was two levels above the average 6th grader and my math where it needed to be. And from my first day of 6th grade to my last day of 8th grade, I had to work extra hard to keep up in math. And I still have to now, as a Freshman. But knowing that I came across a challenge that hits kids hard every day, and over came it, I’m proud to say that I work hard. Dyslexia is hard and tough at times, and it never goes away. But it’s worth while when you learn how to coup with it.   

Who do I want to be? :To those who have gone before me.

Dear Aunt Sissy,

Hello! You know it’s really really hard to write a letter to you. I feel sad every time I think about you because I can hardly remember the time we spent together. I don’t get why either. It makes me really mad at times, not remembering our moments. It’s aggravating because everyone else has these heartfelt moments with one of the most compassionate people who ever walked this earth, but I have none. I never got the chance to talk to you about my spiritual struggle, or having a hard time at school. I never got to feel your embrace whenever I was sad or heartbroken. I never got to have a thought provoking conversation with you. I was too young to care about that stuff, and I was too young to do so when you left. And I sit here, tear stained and stung with insecurities and wishing that I could talk to the woman that my mother, aunts, and cousins talked to when they felt this way. But then there are these moments, these subtle little moments when I not only feel your presence, but I see you in the woman in our family. I remember hearing the stories of how loving, compassionate and caring you were. About how you would try your hardest not to pass a hand in need. You hold out your arms to everybody. And I see that not only in the woman, but the men in our family. I know you were a big influence on my own mom. I know you taught her how to be faithful and kind hearted. And you taught how to live every day with a smile on her face. Thank you so much Aunt Sissy, for instilling those amazing treats in the woman who is raising me. I know I’ll never get to have a face to face,  tender conversation with you like everyone else, but I also know that you’re just one prayer away from me. I love you so much.

you’re niece, Lollie

Thoughts 10/5/13

  • Last night was a lot of fun
  • I got pushed into a locker and my shoulder is in a lot of pain.
  • I got cadet of the month, but I’m not sure why….. 
  • ^ probably shouldn’t question it.
  • I have yet to make more than five friends and we’ve been in school for a month.
  • LOL I’m a loner
  • Chocolate.
  • I have a soccer game in like an hour and I hurt my hip playing flag football.
  • why do I always hurt myself?
  • why do girls always go for assholes?
  • why do assholes go for sweet girls?
  • Dude my friends are so pretty.
  • My brother keeps calling me Maget because I’m a first year.
  • He graduated in like 07 and went straight into the Navy
  • I think I’d much rather do Air force.
  • Obviously the Marines are the best…..
  • my hair is really really hard to put up in a Military bun.
  • The curly hair struggle is tough one.
  • who evens reads this far down like come’on 
  • I really wanna do another play.
  • I suck at acting though.
  • and at singing…
  • and about everything else…




First month of school/ Cadet of the month!

   Hello! Sorry I’ve been gone for quite a while 😦 I know I said I would be posting more, but I’ve honestly been very busy… Last time I actually wrote I was talking about Risks and Challenges, and I guess you could say this is similar. Let’s begin, yeah?

         So I started high school about one month ago, and I’m still not sure how I feel about it so I’m gonna go through my schedule, tell you what I personally think of it and what has happened that is interesting in the class so far. Okay here goes nothing.

      Zero period: Orchestra. There’s not much of a difference for me and orchestra. I’m used to the conductor and the music isn’t too hard. The only down side is being called Celestina’s little sister and that I have to wake up at 6 a.m.

      1st Period: Molecular Biology. LOL I honestly don’t know how I feel about this class. The teacher is…. well she’s only a human being. I can’t say she’s a bad person just because she’s strict. She’s just doing her job and takes it seriously. I kind of admire that about her. But to be honest, I’m probably going to be going in at lunch to get help because I’m not really used to the whole science class stuff.

    2nd/ 3rd period: English. Okay, so in case you don’t know, I’m in a program at my school called PACE and it’s like an AP classes program. So we had to go through summer school for it and everything. The reason I have English for two periods is because after 1st semester, I’m switching over to History with a different teacher. Get it? K cool. So I personally really enjoy this class! Idk if it’s just because it’s writing, or because it’s the only class I have with two close friends of mine. But nonetheless, I very much like this class. The teacher is very bubbly and nice, but knows to b strict when needed. The workload is decent. I dwindled a little in the beginning to be honest, but I’ve gotten back. I think this might be one of my favorite classes. We’ll see…..

     4th period: Algebra 1. Yes, Yes, I’m in Algebra 1. I was really sad at first because all of my older siblings are very very good in math. The excel greatly in it. Well. I’m the baby that grew up and everyone realized she has Dyslexia. Yup, that’s right. So math is a struggle for me. I have to work really really hard to pass. But so far, I must say, I’m doing well. I love the teacher. He’s very sarcastic and witty and is helpful with all of the many questions I ask. I like it because every day he gives us an opportunity to get extra credit. I take every chance I get! At this moment I have an A! Which makes me very happy because I always had a hard time in it and this teacher explains things in a way that helps me to understand it clearly. 

    5th period: Spanish. Okay, so the first week of school I HATED Spanish class. I thought the teacher wasn’t serious, the kids in the class were incredibly rude and it was things I’ve learned before. Needless to say, I wanted out. But without an adequate reason, there’s no way that would have happened. So instead I sat there for two weeks just keeping my head low, ignoring all but my only two friends in the class. But as time went on, I slowly began to enjoy the class. The teacher is a sweet lady who is willing to help any of her students in any way she can, and the classmates aren’t that bad.  I’m pretty sure I’ll do fine in this class.

     6th period:R.O.T.C. Hhmmm… I’m mentally debating whether or not this is my favorite class… But, for those of you who don’t know ROTC stands for Reserve Officer Training Corps. It is training for the military, for my school it’s specifically the Marines. What’s interesting about the course is that it replaces my P.E period, but we don’t do P.E type things everyday. Monday and Tuesday are our Academic days, where we learn about military/ Marine history and terminology. Wednesday is our marching day. Thursday’s are inspections, e.i the days we wear our uniforms and get inspected by Master Sargent, Platoon Commander and Platoon Sargent. And Fridays are our P.T (Physical Training) days. I really  benefit from this club, I think. It’s the only place on campus where people see me and don’t automatically think, “Celestina’s sister!” And it’s a place where I know it will challenge me in ways that will better my future. Of course, there are people who strongly question why I’m in the program and what makes me want to even stay in the program. Obviously the program is not easy, but it’s not gut-retching hard. Personally for me, the biggest challenge is physically . And I only face that challenge once a week, but I work out on my own, so soon it won’t be too hard on me. This actually might be the only class where I’ve made more than two friends, I guess you could say. I have my entire squad (the platoon is split up into three squads, I’m 3rd squad leader), random cadets, and my drill team (without arms.) I think something that helped me meet a few more people was this one Senior cadet loving my name (In the program we go by last names.) So whenever he sees me he says my name all loud. Weelll, as it turns out, not only was he saying my name, but Master Sargent and Chief Warn Officer were telling the platoons that I got Cadet of the Month. So as I was sitting there getting ready for 7th period, I randomly start hearing people sing-songing my name…. yeah it was kind of weird. But, I am pretty proud of myself for getting cadet of the month. I’m not 100% sure why or how I got it, all I know is that I’m just gonna keep striving to better myself..

  7th period: Drill team without arms. I CAN’T EVEN…. yeah so basically drill team without arms is like stepping but with a serious face and uniformity. I can’t even describe my love for this. I mean yeah, it’s a lot of work and it’s only been like a few weeks for me, but I really really like it. I love the girls on the team, though I’m quite different from all of them, I’d say I get on well with all of them. The two girls in charge are lovely, but can obviously be incredibly scary. But one thing I’ve surely noticed about them is that they’re loyal, they have great integrity, and are trustworthy. I strive to hold myself to the same standard they expect of us and of themselves. Though there’s already been like two bumps in the road, I’m pretty sure this year’s drill team without arms will be good. ( Along with drill team and color guard!) 

  Yeah I tried writing as little as possible, but ti didn’t work out… Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this post and I hope you all have an amazing past month and a half!

Sincerely, Teenager who’s still figuring it out ❤

Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you

If I should have a daughter, I’d show her this.

Roadkill Goldfish

Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you.

Yes, this is what happens when you constantly hear everything you do is awesome. This is what happens when people fawn over your every Tweet and Instagram photo. This is what happens when no responsible adult has ever said the word “no,” made you change your clothes before leaving the house, or never spanked your butt for deliberate defiance.

If you ever even consider doing something like that, I promise you that I will run up and twerk so you will see how ridiculous twerking looks. I will duct tape your mouth shut so your tongue doesn’t hang out like an overheated hound dog. I will smack any male whom you decide to smash against his pelvis – after I first knock you on your butt for forgetting how a lady acts in public.

Why would I do that? Because…

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